roadtrip

In the middle of our West Coast moving madness, I decided it would simplify things if the boys and I drove our vehicle to Portland from our Washington DC area home.  And somewhere in the middle of Ohio, I bolted upright in my drivers-side seat and realized I had made a terrible, terrible mistake.

But we pushed forward, and against all odds, stopped the car in my mom's Portland driveway several days later exhausted, but safe.

Some of my reasoning was practical - it was the cheapest option.  I also didn't want to be without a car for the weeks necessary to transport a car cross-country.  We knew we would be living with my mom for several weeks while we waited for our new Seattle home to close.  I needed to bring along clothes for several seasons (we were going to be staying in Portland in the springtime, after all), homeschooling materials for the remainder of the school year, toys and games, and bicycles.  All the essentials.

The trip also sounded adventurous.  I had never been through our country's midsection.  The boys would learn so much as we drove and stopped at various landmarks.  It would be a bonding experience.  I would get to catch up on a lot of reading via audiobooks.

Here is the reality of our trip.  I was pretty exhausted and stressed out from the last two months of packing, moving logistics, cleaning, and selling the house.  Plus work and all of the other day-to-day life that needs to be handled.  Ed had to leave for his new job at the beginning of March which put an incredible amount of pressure on me to get everything taken care of before we left.  Add in some autism and it was a very difficult time.  On a Friday morning in early April, while the neighbor kids headed off to school, we loaded up the car and drove out of Reston, and then the state of Virginia, for good.  I was too tired to be sad.

I really did not want to eat fast food for the entire drive, so I packed a cooler full of food so we could picnic at rest stops.  It was just way too cold throughout the trip to do this successfully.  Our first picnic in Morgantown, WV was met with a freezing wind.  I still made the kids wrap up in blankets and eat but didn't push the issue going forward.

It was also hard to transition Noe in and out of the car....so we just drove.  Drove right past the Hoosiers gym that I've always wanted to see, among other Midwest treasures.  It wasn't long before the weather forecasters were predicting a big snow storm in the Rockies....so we had to speed up our trip or risk getting stuck in the mountains.  Before long, the boys travel education had been reduced to this same conversation as we entered a new state:

"Look, we're in [state]."  (Boys look up bleary-eyed from their electronic devices)

"What is the capital of [state]?"  (Asher answers, but butchers the pronunciation)

I continue...."[State] is known for having lots of  [insert one of the following:  corn/mountains/potatoes/Republicans]

Silence.

As for my plan to listen to audiobooks....yeah right.  We listened to Noe's music for the entire ride in an effort to keep him settled and happy in the car.

There were some highlights (and lowlights) along the way.

*A jaw-dropping sunset coming out of Omaha....Asher still claims this was the best part of his trip.

*Stopping to visit my sister, Kelli, in Utah.....just a day before she gave birth to my new nephew.  I got to see meet him at 1 day old!

*Experiencing first-hand the vastness of our nation....it is hard to put into words, but driving the entire country kind-of felt like watching an IMAX movie through a variety of landscapes, people, lifestyles.

*Trying to communicate with a cashier in Wyoming and not being able to understand a SINGLE WORD of his thick intermountain west accent.

*The joy of a hot shower and a good mattress after a day of driving.

*THICK FOG and then SNOW in the mountain passes between Wyoming and Utah.  I picked a truck and followed behind it...for miles and miles.

*The spray shower of pee that Asher and I got from Noe when I couldn't pull over and find a restroom for him fast enough.  Noe, miraculously, kept himself completely dry.

*Our final night in Baker City, OR and the sure signs that we were back home:  No sales tax, a sign for Pop and Ice, an attendant to pump our gas.

And it is GOOD to be home!

The Perfect Son

So the past few weeks with Noe have been autism-tastic.  He knows his life is being turned completely upside down and doesn't know how to handle the changes.  He sees his house morphing into a state of boxes and blank walls....a little more each day.  He knows his father is on the other coast and that we will soon join him.  Because he can't communicate enough to process all of these changes, they come out in less constructive ways --- trouble focusing and sleeping, some violent outbursts, serious OCD behaviors.  He will run from one side of the house to another if he senses a cabinet door might be ajar.  He is constantly putting away dishes and silverware left on the counter, even if they still need washed.  He must have his hands full of his "comfort items" (favorite fabrics, ribbon and balls) at all times.  He is easily angered and agitated.

The worse Noe's behavior becomes, the harder Asher pushes himself to be the perfect child.  It is difficult for Asher to watch me struggle.  Noe throws a tantrum at dinner?  Asher quickly and quietly puts away the dishes and sweeps the floor.  Noe refuses to go into the grocery store while we are out running errands?  Asher tickles his brother and says silly things to him until he forgets his protest.  The other day Noe was lobbing pencils and paper at me because he did not want to practice his handwriting.  Asher disappeared upstairs and practiced the piano for an hour straight.

Asher tells me he loves me and appreciates me at least once an hour.  He gets upset with himself for the smallest and silliest of missteps.  His little eight-year old self is desperately trying to be everything I need right now.

I constantly tell him, "You are not responsible for your brother.  You do not need to be perfect.  You need to work hard at school, have fun with your friends, and do the things you enjoy doing like soccer and writing and making cool stuff."

However, what I'm REALLY thinking....and at some subconscious level what I think he hears is...."Thank you for not giving me any headaches.  The better you behave and the more you help out the easier it is to deal with your brother.  I really NEED you to help me out right now while we get through this challenging time.  I DEPEND on you, so please don't let me down."

I have officially started a future therapy fund for this kid.

A few years back a friend with an autistic brother passed along an article about autism siblings.  The article suggested that autism siblings fall into one of two extremes.  Siblings either become the perfect child to overcompensate for their autistic brother or sister, or they experience anger and resentment toward their family situation and rebel.  Asher was only two years old when I read the article and I already had a good sense of which camp he would join.  I remember the icy wind of sadness, guilt and relief blowing through me as I had that epiphany.

So here we stand six years later, theory in full motion.  As a mom, I can only hope that both of my sons feel my ever-present love and know they are always enough.

Postscript:  Noe's behaviors have overall improved this week, and Asher is whining about getting his own room at our new house in Seattle, so some balance has been restored.

quoted

Would I be, right now, sitting in a really sweet gated community with a much more conventional view of the world, a husband in the bishopric, and a killer Pinterest habit? Instead of sitting here with my not-so-orthodox Mormon life and a career I never imagined.....

- Joanna Brooks .... I'm not as cool as her, but I can definitely relate to this quote on her blog.   So happy to be living the life I've always wanted and not a life that others conceived for me.  

Homework

Heard last night.... I was upstairs madly painting to prepare our house for sale while Ed was downstairs at the dining room table helping the boys with homework.

Ed:  (in a very exasperated voice) "Write those last two sentences, NOW!"


I think I got a peek into Easy Ed's nightly work life as well.

A Good Cry at REI

My favorite store, REI, is not far from our neighborhood but I hardly ever go.  Everything about REI screams the Pacific NW and it makes me instantly homesick to go inside.

A couple days ago I was running errands nearby when I remembered that I really needed a new headlamp for my early morning runs.  I walked in and was suddenly submersed in NW outdoors deliciousness.  And somewhere between the inflatable canoes and energy bars I started sobbing uncontrollably.  It wasn't homesickness though.  I was going home.  In the middle REI, it had finally sunk in.  Ed got a job and we are coming home!

We have known that this job was probably going to happen for a few weeks, but between the madness of daily living and my fear that it would fall through, I never let myself feel it.  But wandering the aisles of gortex and fleece released all of the joy and relief of finally realizing this goal.

Oh there is much left to figure out - Will anyone buy our NoVA townhouse?  Where will we live and where will the boys go to school?  Noe's therapies.....we have been so incredibly blessed with autism therapists here, and we love his school.... what will happen in Seattle?  And my job.  I love my job.  I told Ed he had to find the first job because I had more marketable skills than he did (half-jokingly...in reality...neither of us have marketable skills).  Now I have to find a job! Stress, let me tell ya.

But for that tiny moment of time life was beautiful and perfect and our future was exactly where we wanted it to be.

I guess this is an official announcement.

Familia Guzman
Seattle - Early Spring 2013

Autism Nights

Just when we thought Noe was finally developing good sleeping patterns, this week happened.

It feels like he has spent more time awake than asleep between the hours of 9PM and 6AM this week.  Two nights ago, I thought he was FINALLY down and I went up to my bed, only to awake shortly after to find him downstairs with the music on full blast, running around the house swinging a ribbon in the air, like he was trying out for the US Olympic Rhythmic Gymnastics team.

I've had lots of time this week to reflect on all of the other middle-of-the-night scenes we have woken up to over the years, including...

Noe sitting on the cold pantry floor eating hershey kisses (I think we estimated he had consumed at least 20 by the time we found him)

Noe sitting or standing on the kitchen counters eating cookies/cupcakes/fruit snacks.  Once we caught him sitting up on the fridge.

Noe playing ball on our back deck at 2AM (luckily, we always keep the back fence locked).

Noe in Asher's bed/ in our bed/under our bed.

Noe riding his razor scooter (which had been stored for winter in our downstairs closet) through the hardwoods of our house.

Noe dumping out an entire Costco-sized pail of laundry detergent in the storage room to make his own sand box.

Noe sorting his blocks/his pegboard pegs/Ed's ties by color and leaving them in piles around the house.

#autismnightssuck

Ten

Double-digits, I can't believe it!  How can I even be old enough to have a ten year old?  Didn't I graduate from high school ten years ago?

You continue to amaze me, baffle me, humble me, and tire me out on a daily basis.  You have the gentlest hugs and kisses, but play the loudest music.  You are constantly in motion, but sleep so hard I have to often carry you up the stairs to your breakfast in the morning.  You still say few words, but your eyes speak volumes.

Your obsessions..... Amy Winehouse's music, iPad games, the ocean.... they are both maddening and endearing.  You pick up new things so quickly now, until I remember how far behind you are compared to your peers.

We had a great day, Noecito.  Your Papi was off of work and he took you and your brother to your favorite moon bounce local.  Later we went to your favorite restaurant, Chipotle, for dinner, so you could eat all of the beans and rice you wanted.  I made birthday cupcakes and Asher helped decorate them.  We ate cupcakes and ice cream after we sang 'Happy Birthday' to you.  You were so happy and blew out your candles through your mouth (versus most years - blowing through your nose!)  You loved being the little celebrity of the day and we loved celebrating you!